Money is regularly cited as the #1 stress for couples. Just as you would measure your shared values and physical attraction to one another, it’s important to assess your financial compatibility for the long-term success of your relationship. A recent survey found that 32% of coupled adults cheated on their partners financially, including hiding secret debt, credit cards or bank accounts. This is a big deal as over 40% of the respondents also said that physically cheating and financially cheating were equally serious and 11% said that financially cheating was more serious!

Money can be an emotional topic for you personally that gets even more stressful when you are in a relationship. You each bring your own perceptions and history with money into your shared bond, much of which is shaped by your family’s financial wellness and what money values your parents impressed upon you. 

If you are feeling uneasy about sharing your finances with someone, know that you are not alone and there are clear ways to build your relationship with money and your partner at the same time. 

1. Know yourself first

Before jumping into what can be a difficult conversation, spend some time understanding your personal relationship with money. The more you can share why you feel the way you do, the better your partner will be able to find a way towards mutual understanding.

2. Don’t procrastinate

As soon as a relationship is exclusive or you have decided to move in together, you should agree to share basic financial information with one another including debt and savings balances and a current credit score. You may think “but, it’s going so well, I don’t want to lose this person over my credit card balance”, but the longer you delay this conversation, the harder it’s going to be. 

3. Plan the conversation

Whether it’s your first conversation about money, or your biannual financial goals conversation with your spouse of 10 years, it’s helpful to have some structure.

Newly coupled? Use these Money Partnership Questions to guide your first conversations about money. Ideally each of you would answer the questions independently and then discuss in a scheduled conversation when you have enough time to share your answers and speak fully about how you want to build a shared financial life.

Been together forever? It’s still important to have at least an annual review together where you discuss your life goals and how your accounts are lined up to support those goals. Schedule any meetings with CPAs, investment advisors and insurance brokers at a time where you can both attend and understand your full financial picture.

4. Get on the same side

If you are struggling to have financial conversations with your partner, stick with facts such as “We need $1,000 more in our Emergency Fund” vs. using charged language like “We can’t get ahead because you buy too many tech gadgets”. Find agreement through a shared goal like a dream vacation to work side-by-side on something you both want to achieve. 

It’s important to also acknowledge your emotions and approaches to finances may be different but could make you stronger together. If the more conservative partner has a good idea about restructuring debt or reducing card usage, or the more risk tolerant partner takes the lead on gathering investment options, you are capitalizing on each other’s strengths. As in all aspects of your relationship, your finances benefit from a team approach.

Bridget Jones founded Smart Sister Finance on the truth that money confidence unlocks life choices. Smart Sister Finance offers customized one-on-one coaching and online group events to ensure that every precious, hard-earned dollar has a purpose and is used to the best advantage in life. Join the community of smart sisters @SmartSisterFinance.

photo credit: alexandr nikulin